our trying to conceive journey!

So my name is Cassie =) and my hubbys name is josh....We met at college, at a christian bible study. I started school early, he went back a few years later, so it was perfect timing. Our age difference didn't bother us and we knew we were meant to be together so 3 months went by of constant being together when he popped the question! on his 21st birthday 3-20-09 and about 9 months later we got married on January 1st 2010.   From the time we got engaged we talked about when we wanted to have kids and how many and what to name them and all these big dreams. I've nannied for so many little babies since I can remember and was so excited to finally have a family of my own! You hear how every one gets pregnant so quick and so easy, 16 year old girls with some random boy, 40 year old woman who thought they couldnt anymore, Woman who don't want their baby and abort it or give it up for adoption, Single moms, abusive moms, woman on birthcontrol who thought it was impossible, and woman who never use birth control who have like 5 million kids and live on a huge farm or something. Here I am married, stable, responsible, and willing so if all of them can have kids so easy then i should be able to in a heartbeat right?? WRONG!! Im 18, young, healthy, i take my vitamins I excersize, have no stress, wouldn't you think that I would be able to have a baby of my own to hold and love and care for, to be the mommy that I have ALWAYS wanted to be? Not particularly. The first month I had no idea when I even Ovulated!! I just thought if you had sex you'd get pregnant! (Hubby and i waited for each other to...you know ;) So I thought I'd get pregnant on the honeymoon, or wedding night or SOMETHING, i was not educated at all. Although I had worked at an OBGYN before but when its you its totally different!

      So January goes by and I'm a few days late for my period, extremely excited I take a test it shows only one ugly pink line and darn aunt flow peeks her head in days late. Fabuary comes and I'm a little bit more educated thankful for google, so I have an idea that I can only get pregnant when ovulating and that would be towards the middle of the month for me which I happened to be on vacation in south carolina and valentines day was around there. I just KNEW I haaad to be pregnant!! but yet again the end of febuary comes and period shows =( finally March comes! I'm taking prenatal vitamins, having sex EVERY DAY and I feel different I just "know" something had to have happened so end of the month come and period is a day late so i test... a nice faint line shows up, its not dark at all but it sure does show up then days later aunt flow shows up with looots of pain and cramping it's then that I'm told that I had a chemical pregnancy (where the egg and sperm met causing a positive but they just did not stick!) I cried and cried and so did my poor husby he wants a baby just as bad as i do! April goes by....nothing! May goes by and i PRAYED AND PRAYED HAAARD for the perfect mothers day gift!!!...nothing June...faint line AGAIN but soon accompanied by af-aunt flow and right then i knew again I had a chemical pregnancy =(

July- NOTHING

But then august comes I set up a new gyn apt and have blood taken and find out my thyroid is normal at 1.59 so not being preggo yet does not have to do with thyroid (family history)and I heard taking baby asprin once a day makes you more "sticky" for people with chemical pregnancy issues. I take a test and BIG FAT POSITIVE nice and dark!!! I was soo excited I cried I went and had blood work done and everything..ended in very sad news...another chemical pregnancy and on top of this I have had quite a few utis- urinary trac infections, so that is very disappointing I was crushed and devistated!!!!!!!!! I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried for days everything and anything upset me- we have been trying for about 8 months now

September is now here and two weeks after the bad news I had a dream that God told me we will be pregnant with a baby girl and her name will be Luella Rose but we will call her ellie (luella means female warrior) I passed this story along to my father in law and he laughed and told me that he knows I didnt know this but his mothers name was ellie!!! it was very funny and reassuring with conformation of the dream. so 2 weeks go by and I take a test 2 lines appeared but the 2nd one quickly dissapeared (it was an internet cheapie and i guess it was known for doing that) giving me false hope my period showed up 3 weeks late!

Now it is october and I am patiently waiting to see if af will be late again, I am now trying vitex which is supposed to be something to help irregular periods and the quality of your eggs. also we cut sex down to every OTHER day but havent been paying too much attention and again this month I pray and i pray that we get pregnant.

I'm approaching one year of trying to conceive...closer and closer to icky infertility tests and sorrow after sorrow with big fat negatives and even when i get a positive i can't trust it until its weeks later and I now feel like my dr thinks I'm crazy and I sort of feel crazy, like I'm going out of my mind!! WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!?!?! I just want to hold a little one of our own to be a mommy and josh be a daddy thats all we want. Both of us have ALWAYS wanted to be parents and we got married excited about starting a family! So as i have been faithfully taking 3 vitex a day I pray that it works soon. I will use this blog to type everything that happens, changes and then when we DO get pregnant I will do the same for that =)